Not Just Grieving Early
Forty-eight hours before Early passed, I had a surgery to remove the screws in the top and bottom of my femur. I had to take thirty days off from riding, working out, and basically any activity that involved using my legs.
A few days after Early passed, Alan had called me. Alan asked me to meet him at Castlewood to have a talk. I remember telling my mom that I didn’t want to go. I wasn’t ready to see people. I wasn’t ready to see anyone ride. I wasn’t ready to see horses. My mom consoled me, she reminded me how strong I was, and I could take on anything. I disagreed, how could I be strong when what made me strong wasn’t on this Earth anymore. Who was I without Early? Early had got me through the loss of my first love and the most horrific injury someone could endure. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I had never felt more lost and alone.
When I arrived at Castlewood, I tried to b-line it for the office. I was on crutches and was not nearly as fast as I wanted to be. I was bombarded by hugs, tears, people making sad faces. Not that I wasn’t thankful for the outpour of love. It was just things I couldn’t handle at that moment. I finally locked myself with my mom in Alan’s office. We had small talk, “how are you?” “How is everything?” “How you holding up?” “When can you ride?” That last question stunted me. I didn’t want to ride again, I didn’t want to fall in love again, I just wanted to be done. Alan wasn’t thrilled when I said, “I wanted to be done.” To be honest this wasn’t the first time he had heard that out of my mouth. But, this time I think he knew I was serious. Alan tried to convince me otherwise, he said “Sami, I know you are hurting. Early was a once in a lifetime horse. She got you to where you are now in your riding career. Don’t give up now, you ride too well. Keep going for Early.” Those last words, “keep going for Early,” made me SO angry! Not at Alan, but at the world. I kept thinking HOW do I keep going without her, HOW do I ride a horse again that isn’t her. HOW could anyone know what Early wanted from me, Early WASN’T HERE ANYMORE! I was furious.
That night I went home, walked into my brand new very empty barn and just cried. I didn’t just lose Early that night, I lost my dreams, I lost my passion, I lost myself.
Getting Back in the Saddle Take II
I finally got the “okay” from Dr. Sama to start some physical activity. I left his office that day thinking “The last time I got the ‘okay’ to ride, I practically flew to the barn. Now, I am dreading those words.” I didn’t tell anyone I got the okay to ride. I told people that I had to do physical therapy for a little bit before I could get back in the saddle. I wasn’t ready, I still was contemplating if I even wanted to ride.
I made sure to keep myself busy with physical therapy. I was extremely lucky, my physical therapist, Ed, is like seeing a psychologist. Ed had seen me at my absolute worst and my absolute best. I kept telling Ed how I felt about riding, instead of saying “YOU NEED TO RIDE.” Ed would just say to me, “when you are ready you’ll know, you are just hurting. You need time to heal.” Ed was the only person who actually listened to me and I finally felt like I was being heard.
After the word got out about me being physically active, Alan had requested that I come to Castlewood to “hangout.” I believe Alan thought if I saw people riding, it would spark some kind of flame. It didn’t. I went to Castlewood right after my PT sessions. After seeing Ed, I felt like I was emotionally strong enough to be at the barn for an hour or so. It took three weeks for me to get the itch to be back in the saddle.
Alan’s Dad, Mr. Korotkin, was the one who allowed me a two-year payment plan on Early. I will forever be grateful for his (and Alan’s) generosity. Mr. Korotkin had two young horses he bred coming to Castlewood. Alan suggested that I be the one to ride and show them. I couldn’t say no. The minute the two young horses got to Castlewood, I was at the barn in riding clothes. That day I decided to only view riding as work and no longer as an emotional need.
The Spark
As years passed, horses came and went. I continued to be emotionally shut off from riding. I viewed riding more as work, not as a passion. Over the years, there were many times I enjoyed riding. But I wasn’t nearly as passionate as I once was. Every horse lacked something, or I just never allowed myself to get emotionally invested.
I found a love for teaching. I loved watching my clients/students accomplish goals they had work so hard for. I thought so many times that maybe this is where I’ll find my passion for horses again. As much love and joy it brought me, something was still missing.
Then it happened. Alan one day called me up, “Sami, I think I have a horse for you. It needs someone just like you. Someone to love it and put up with his quirks. He has all the talent but just needs you.” I didn’t even hang up the phone yet and I was hooking my truck up to the trailer. The horse’s name, Desperado.
Desperado has all the talent, he is brave, he is careful, he has scope, you name it he has it. But, I did have to work for it. I had to do something that I had closed myself off to, I had to build a bond. Saying it was tough is an understatement. I had closed my heart off to horses for so long, I almost didn’t even know where to start. I was terrified. I didn’t want to get hurt (emotionally). I didn’t want to be let down. My biggest fear, that I would never be half the rider I was with Early.
One horse show is all it took. I knew Desperado was going to be special. Desperado was the type of horse that needed just that one person to believe in him. I, I just wanted him to believe in me too. I decided I was going to go the Early route with Desi. Treat him like he was the only thing that mattered. OH BOY, did that work. Desperado’s head literally grew over night. I spent so many hours spoiling this horse, between bubble baths (that he HATES!) to grazing in the front yard, to night check kisses, I did all the things with him that I wanted to do with Early in my backyard. What I didn’t realize was Desperado was slowly opening up my heart, one day at a time.
Early taught me how to be fearless, how to jump big without even a second thought. Desperado has taught me how to finesses my riding, how to be more accurate, how to ride to the bigger jumps with confidence. Everyday Desperado has made me a better rider and an even better horsewoman.
Reviving my Soul
I wish I could say it happened over night, but it didn’t. I wish I could say it happened after our first Grand Prix together, but that wasn’t it either. I had shut myself off for so long that I honestly didn’t think it would ever come back. After not competing at a certain level for a long period of time, you lose a lot more then you think. Confidence is one, winning edge is another, but most importantly heart.
Don’t get me wrong, I love showing, riding, and teaching. It just was different after Early. I had no confidence walking in to any jumper ring. I found myself getting nervous at the ingate. I questioned every decision I made while cantering up to any jump above a meter thirty. Instead of riding, I was micromanaging the horses underneath me. It was almost like I was a beginner in a professional’s body. I could teach the socks off my clients, I could coach them on how to ride, how to win! When it came to me, I played it safe, I rode conservative. I didn’t ride to win, I hoped to win.
In the summer of 2019, I had my fourth career Grand Prix win on Desperado. I couldn’t believe it. I have pictures to actually prove that I couldn’t believe it. I cried the entire ride back to the ingate, I cried walking out of the ingate, I cried while I got my ribbon. That moment, that win, I felt a piece of my soul come back to me.
She’s Back
WEF 2020, I decided I was going to finally play with the big boys this year. I promised myself that I will finally get back into the meter forty classes at WEF. I needed to prove to myself that I belonged riding amongst the greats like I once did with Early. I was nervous as hell. Desperado not at all, he was game he just needed his rider to be the same.
Every week Desperado was in the top ribbons in the meter thirty-five classes, we held our own. I finally was riding to win. I was riding forward, making inside turns that I hadn’t made in years. Desperado loved EVERY second of it, he LOVES to win. Finally, the week had come where I had decided to take on the meter forty speed challenge in the international ring. Last time I had done that class, I had Alan as a coach at the ingate talking confidence into me. This time, it was just me and Desperado.
I walked up to the ingate and was going over my course to myself. As I was reciting my strategy, I began to hear this strange annoying sound. That sound, to my surprise was my voice. I was singing under my breath. When I actually realized what I was doing, I chuckled. Looked over at my mom and said, “I’m Singing!” my mom replied, “I know, and you haven’t gotten any better over the years!” I walked into the ring and a tear fell down my cheek. I WAS BACK!
I rode the pants off that course. Desperado jumped his heart out. I ended up placing fifteenth out of eighty horses. I had the confidence I once had, I was riding like I once did, and the fire in my soul was burning!
Worth the Wait
Almost five years after losing Early. I thought me confidently competing in a higher level was going to be a distant memory. I never thought I would be the rider I once was. I never thought I would love riding like I once did. That day at the international ring ingate when I found myself singing. That is when I realized my heart and soul was back into the sport I once thought I could never live without. It was the most amazing feeling, finding something you had lost for so long. None of that would have been even possible if it wasn’t for the Desperado. Not only did Desperado restore my love for show jumping, but he gave me back something I had been missing for so long. My Wings.
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